the names matt.

Heart ache

2011-11-01T17:46:00.001-04:00

Seasons seem to tamper with the heart, a swirling memoir of 24 years packed into 3 or 4 months. But you won't catch me closing my eyes.

Heartache would never conquer the mobilized paper flow I kept dated. The colors seem to be fading and bleeding, I can't remember everyone. What's the point of writing, or remembering.

Because when I look back, I remember it all lead me to you.

Every.
Single.
Step.

2011-09-13T05:09:00.000-04:00

and darling won't you see that right now
in the toughest time its not that i don't believe
its that we can't waste our lives
not a minute more
we have a kingdom to make
a Lord to praise
and you would be happier
if you just let Him in
if you just let love win

inspiration meets mind.

2011-08-04T02:50:00.000-04:00

we could be happy most of the time, if you can imagine
summers' sea beating the hard grey wooden rocks
that make of the ocean in my fake mid-eastern townhouse
several reasons to believe that believing would make it right
or true
and jenny's lost in the world of superficial love
ben's caught up in the rush of money and drugs
my families far away
everything's fine, don't worry
I'm a friend twice removed
a friend who's struggling alone
Texas was always my home
but I remember wandering the California coast
and the nights I spent wondering if I would have a home
the coldest of new york nights beat like its rain
you can find me sitting outside in the middle of the street
dripping and cold, where inspiration meets my mind

quarter for your thoughts.

2011-07-23T00:46:00.001-04:00

i'm surprised you made it this far
then again i never thought you'd take me for such a whirl
and you took the breath right out of my lungs
you closed my eyes and ran for the car
and i'd stand there, waiting for those words you swore "you loved"

and i never found a friend like i did in you
but the Bibles clear on the tune
that trust in anyone else will fail
well you failed, how's it feel
cause i've thought hard about it

maybe we could just leave it and delete the past
but one day it'll haunt you
like last night when the lights were off
and your pictures off my wall
but your dreams still said hello, and there you were

step down and let me in, you've done your time
you've made it this far
get a glass of water, sit and rest for a few
cause the nights not over
we're only a quarter of the way through.

2011-07-23T00:38:00.000-04:00

pulled, pushed, portrayed

I'm not sure where to go

but the rains coming down, the sea's closing in

where all icebergs floating, waiting to melt

but you don't see what's underneath.

gone, away

2011-07-21T23:58:00.002-04:00

we watched the sun set, while people strolled away

they were gone, away from anything you we ever knew

and we think about time, the presence of pain

its all ending, it's all beginning

throw your hands in the sky, let them fly

let your hair drop, the cold can kill every tip because i forget

that the whisper of the wind and the scowl of the winter, hurts

we used to ponder, oh the wonderful life

and oh what a beautiful swarm

its ours, we sink now deep into the storms

we sing it so loud the world can hear

but now your gone, away

i'll be missing you in the banks of white perfection

where we grew up, sisters in war

i'll be missing you in this whole life

because i just don't know where to go

the white roses are freezing on your grave, tonight

2011-07-16T17:48:00.000-04:00

such triumph, such pain.
and she cries out, God oh God
I could use you now
I could really use you now

2011-05-19T15:06:00.001-04:00

I used to hate to admit it, but lately its been a relief. That is, to say I was wrong. I have been wrong so much in the things I've done and said, even choices and searching for a way out or a way to make it. When I say to make it, simply, I mean in surviving this world.

I was sitting outside in the rain, and you would jump from puddle to puddle
so pure as people watched you smile and laugh
but the world crushed you and made you so much less
i couldn't find your smile
i couldn't find your love
i couldn't find myself but I needed You
because oh my God, this isn't us
we used to be so in love

2011-05-13T13:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Self,

where did you go?

some will seek forgiveness

2010-12-30T01:55:00.000-05:00

This is a familiar feeling, not nostalgia or the illusory concepts I was brought up on, but a peace of home I have not felt in quite a long time. It is jovial, it feels right and it feels true. I feel like i'm finally home.

who would have ever thought that I would call this place home?

I spent 5 years searching, 5 years dreaming, 5 years lost, 5 years in depression, and 3 years in hopeless fault. What makes this so consequently different, tell me, what makes us so alive?

This city tells so many stories about me. I was the author for a chapter of waste, and I begged for Your adventure. It was terrifyingly hard, 'cause when I surrendered I had to give it all up. Every last part including love, and in a sense I haven't gained a lot back.

You know, i'm happy. I miss you. You would and possibly never will understand, but I will be your biggest mistake, and my biggest regret. Just one day, tell me the truth - stop holding it so far back. I gave you something I will never give anyone else and I wish you would understand that. I would never admit that I could be so much more and that I would be doing so much in this life, and in many ways I missed it. I was so wrong, but I needed to find this son of God I was promised, not just a name I was called. I wish you would reconcile the words you always held. And I wish you would give it a shot, because 4 of those years were spent on you.

In a sense, I'm so scared right now - I'm in that vulnerable place again just like when I left you and school the first time. I've been trusting God for the last 2 years and it has been quite the story. He never failed me. It is hard to decipher what to do, which direction to take. I guess I am still looking for answers, but I know I won't find them here tonight.

This is the newest chapter I am about to start... but God only knows how I'll fair. I just wanted to hear from you... I don't know why. A hope inside I have never forgotten, but it just might be gone. I've lost a lot in life... I don't know how much more I can loose.

2010-12-22T01:55:00.000-05:00

the silence makes me crazy, and at times i'm caught in the same loss for words
i guess i always knew
this change has been what I've been waiting for
so why am i so scared?
this next years, going to burn a whole in me.

the change

2010-10-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

i always hoped that one day, one day i would see you again
whether a quick glance from across the isles, or a flashing memory
where my cerebellum would clash into the thoughts
it's been the toughest of months, decisions i didn't even make
would still affect me in the most devout, disillusioned manners
i couldn't give a shit, but you would never let me use profanity
every-ones said i looked like you, sure as hell as the picture
it's stored in the depths of a dresser
bound with my anger in cleverly crafted drawers
because they're lies, empty out our emotional ties
let's let everyone see it, your as black as your heart in the eyes
but my God, what a mess we've made
oh dear God, what a mess i've made
i'm not even worthy
but a sinner I come kneeled to your feet
i'm not ready to be perfect
but i'm ready to change

walls and jumps

2010-09-16T00:51:00.000-04:00

i wondered tonight, why am i so scared to love? to trust?
you know, it's because everything else in my life has let me down and torn me apart.
it won't take breaking walls to get through, and when you tell me you won't break me apart
i get scared, because that is what everyone else said before they did

2010-09-07T16:33:00.002-04:00

theres comes a point, where love so deep and rooted is no more. you'll never forget, but it is gone - floating with the leaves in the wind and you have to let go. the chase ends, a new season begins.

3 years of march

2010-08-25T00:56:00.000-04:00

nights draw cold, old fearful denials
and failure, oh the scars of inhabitant pain
we all draw close, to love, frail and sea nile
where'd you go, 'cause the trees are turning bright colors again
like when you drove my old car, before its death
and the downtown scenes of youth, debauchery
disconnect - but i'm better now
regret - i hope it does not follow you
shhhh! i never left
but it was me, tell me truths
farmed laziness from money and smooth talking
i am someone different, zeal, passion
it's ok, we all lose - we all gain
when I said i needed to find God, i didn't want you to leave
my, how times have changed
the pain never really left, or the care i pawned over 3 years of work
hi, how are you.

2010-05-21T03:39:00.000-04:00

i would be lying if i said, "i didn't miss you."
was it me, or was it what i wasn't?
i wish you could talk, but the nights always end quick
...and abrupt
your not the only one with letters next to mine
because i have a couple i never sent
i didn't think you cared
do you care?

weathered.

2010-05-11T11:36:00.000-04:00

I felt unable; I was lying on my side
in the same clothes from the very last night.
I want to pray that I am doing everything right.
I saw my mom die for the very first time.
She was an angel - God took her from the sky,
and there's a million other people
that I found who cared more than I ever will.
I held that note out, I grabbed my bag and I left through the door.
I let my hair grow and put these words on my skin, I cannot relate.
Would you believe in my songs if I gave them all to you?
I can't find the strength in my voice to call you back
and say that everything is bad without you and I am lost again,
God believe I'm lost again.
I stayed in bed and you took so much that I couldn't even sleep.
I waited so long, though that wasn't even that bad.
I never had to be a part of the world
and I've been making that a goal for reasons that I cannot explain.
Well, I'm an optimist but only in a perfect world.
I think I'm too stained with all the negativity
from all the people in my way.
Would you believe in my songs if I gave them all to you?
I can't find the strength in my voice to call you back
and say that everything is bad without you and I am lost again,
God believe I'm lost again.
Would you believe in my songs if I gave them all to you?
I can't find the strength in my voice to call you back
and say that everything is bad without you and I am lost again,
God believe I'm lost again.
I took a trip down south;
I felt the sun on my face,
and it made things ok for a second.
I drew a picture of my problems when I was going insane,
and I focused on the currents.
It's the funny thing about it,
I never seem to worry that
every single current's not the same.
It's all about position and where I choose to lay;
and god I am going away.
Would you believe in my songs if I gave them all to you?
I can't find the strength in my voice to call you back
and say that everything is bad without you and I am lost again,
God believe I'm lost again.
Would you believe in my songs if I gave them all to you?
I can't find the strength in my voice to call you back
and say that everything is bad without you and I am lost again

bail us out

2010-04-23T00:43:00.000-04:00

i found today, to be a pleasant but confusing 24 hours. i countered decisions i made, decisions i had and the overall desire i have sunk deep into my heart. what makes us give up so easy and lose all hope into frailty?

i'll never give up, no. dear world you can tear everything out of me, all my love, but i'll never give up my faith.

system to reward

2010-04-20T12:10:00.000-04:00

i've become numb - not that anyone noticed
my rooms been built up and changed around, every week or so
you know my favorite thing used to be to hope
but lately, well, it's been filled with pain
but its ok, not that money doesn't make someone a bit happy
or relieved when the days done
it's the world that scares me, honesty became so frail
the doxology is switched for words of drunk, lose ended rogues
they say that we're all captive, but not me
no, i'll tear and rip through this vain
i'm nothing and i'm ok with that
but give me some time, i'll be more than you ever knew
or could imagine
i wish you knew
like a father telling his son he's impressed
excited
even for a second content with being his father
but what reward system would allow that?

sleepless nights

2010-03-13T07:24:00.000-05:00

i forgot what it felt like, but at the same time it's not the same that i remember.

i might still have the chance to make it, but failure is closely settling in.

God, oh God where are you

lighted mirror

2010-02-23T11:40:00.001-05:00

you always told me i was a shining light

and we contrasted

that a beam wasn't as strong

but what if i strengthened in, on one point

and it grew to shine brighter

starting with just one point of turn

or if i obtained a mirror

extending more than just specific territory

what if it could grow

to change the world

then how is your light different than mine

wind stand

2010-02-20T20:01:00.009-05:00

firefights never made much sense to me

let it go, let it role up with the smoke

someone will say, save the people

let the wood and glass and plastic

become our lives and burn bright

because we'll see you again

you know we're right

short of the story

2010-02-18T21:38:00.001-05:00

i'm the tree, you're the wind

consuming words, feelings could blow away

and my roots are only so deep

but you'll come down from the sky

a whirling pride of self-perfection

colorless, black and white

grey means nothing to me

anyone

anymore

how many more days of rain

2010-02-17T10:15:00.000-05:00

if i never really understood much, why am i here?

then again, it hasn't stopped raining for a while now.

If I forgot

2010-02-15T19:05:00.001-05:00

remember the weightless drop in air

the drop when you looked at me

it's like we would never go back

a social parallel in common frailty

i still feel that way sometimes

but do i really have to be on the plane to feel

or was that just a flight pattern

another clever line

just like you said

always leave the ground

2010-02-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

it's not being able to see you that is the problem, it's not knowing when that will be.

2009-11-05T00:39:00.000-05:00

right now i'm scared, not afraid. scared that i'm in too far, because people don't give up easy.

i'm not worth the battle in reality.

and what am i when compared to any, alone and disconnected it doesn't matter. i am just another no one.

november 5th either means nothing, or something and the something never means nothing.

i would never let you go, but you would let me go...

2009-11-02T12:47:00.000-05:00

I woke up to the alarm today, which was a change of pace. Usually I am awake when it starts blaring the most annoying sound that any human being would instantly open there eyes with frustration and anger toward... well most anyone anyway. The night had been long and frustrating from missing my heart, the spiritual brothers I live with and the college life of drama queens and attention friends. It's been a struggle returning back to this college as my past speaks of who I was, not who I am striving to be. I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I had my faults and mistakes and wrong friends.

Last night hurt the most, more than ever before. Maybe its because that year of my life was the most scaring. I'm trying to really mend everything together and live this life I was given to the fullest being a constant beacon of light and love, but God doesn't say you are forgiven and there will be no consequences, thus where I am. You know that if I didn't return back I would not be having this pain and regret and memory? However this is where God wants me, He gave me a second chance to finish what I need to do His will.

I hate getting lost in the translation sometimes. Everything is always coated and stretched, everyone has ulterior motives with selfish pride and angst. That doesn't exempt me though...

I can only do one thing. Cry out to my God for mercy and grace, peace and purity as I will push on to conquer what I need and have to learn here while in school.

The story of my life isn't what I have been through, it's how I strive to work through everything for the power and will of Christ.

To my friends who read this, I encourage you to constantly love and encourage each other. Grasp onto those who are spiritually cultivating and leading. Grow and bond persevering through hardships and sins to step up and be that man or woman of God.

I can only pray that my hearts cry can help encourage whoever reads this and that we can rise up in a time of need and love the world we live in, but are not of.

Blessings and peace friends.

- Matt

2009-10-21T15:53:00.002-04:00

she said she cared, thats all i needed to know.
my heart is doing backflips.

2009-10-18T00:55:00.000-04:00

I caught the words from across the room
when you said you felt alone

Oh what I would give to tell you otherwise.

2009-10-01T16:48:00.000-04:00

bold doesn't mean take the high road, it means take the road no one else wants to take.

sad life curves the opposite way sometimes, just when the world is lost in time you make up your mind.

bold means vulnerable, vulnerable means honest, honest means trust, trust means nothing anymore.

2009-09-27T03:01:00.000-04:00

i remember this feeling, but i'm not sure i want it. all of it comes crashing down, choose! choose! pick, here, what are you doing!? i don't want that feeling again, and if i do i want it to be the right one. whens the time to speak? whens the time to understand? why did you stop looking at me?? it hurts, more than i remembered.

the nights are sometimes the worst time to be caught alone.

2009-09-16T15:37:00.000-04:00

I tried to find the alley escape, but one door lead to another, attached to a maze where we got lost. And in time we learned to sit and talk, look deep into the other. We would laugh and cry, push and pull our way until someone got out alive.

Garbage cans and lined brute dirt, made the perfect time for questions. I won't push what my heart says, I'd rather just listen and see. Yes, I want to know all those deep secrets you hold, the ones that you are scared for the world to see.

When the fires come down and Heaven's trumpet sound, then maybe we will find our way out. I will be here by your side, don't ever think I will go. It takes a love of more than yourself, someday maybe this you will know.

2009-09-14T13:46:00.000-04:00

I guess its just as hard to understand that you aren't alone when you feel the most alone you've ever known.

Sometimes I wish I didn't look around, but sometimes you keep finding the same stare and I wonder, is there anything really there? Will I ever know.

2009-09-07T21:41:00.000-04:00

the tiles clanged and banged, side to side
your step splurged and churned the dirt on top
this house isn't the same
this house, no, it won't ever be the same

2009-09-06T23:02:00.000-04:00

The view tangled my thought of vision, but it was just enough sight to make the picture clear. I clamped onto stamina holding tight, I wanted to see for myself. I needed proof, I needed truth.

Sweat dribbled as I made the anxious effort thought of, "this is everything you want to know, need to know, need to see."

Strength held strong while they proceeded, then it hit. The war you wish you never heard of, never saw. You feel it rumble through the movies, but you don't know how it really feels. The flesh resisting fear, only to feel it jump on top. The ice beneath your feet, while you run for home. The thoughts you never saw, sitting next to you on the street. Legs crossed and bruised, dirt soothing the back pain that never leaves.

How could such a feeling take you out of place, for seconds, minutes.... hours?

I never thought I would get so lost on your name.

2009-09-06T03:57:00.003-04:00

I found words cramped into the back of my throat, semi-soothing for the restraint of emotion. Its not like this most days, but a humble way of secrets.

I know I will get used to it, because everybody else does.

It's nice to talk it all out, especially after 3 years of holding it in while hiding it so deep down. Almost like you threw it away because you were only a shot, at second best.

Then the words come in, advice you don't know what to expect. "You're not second best, you are the one. Someone's one, someone's feeling of understanding while scars are healed." Isn't that God's deal, or do we love others for the power of healing? Tell me I'm wrong in that.

I gave up asking questions from your point of view via contradictions, please tell me this. When the worlds at end and the seconds count down...

Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.

If it's the end of the world, where do you want to be? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be with? Where do you want to be?

Your words come slowly spoken, anxious in intent and braced with some kindled price.

We are cool and calm
We have everything
We could need or want
We want everything
And we don't care if we're caught, caught

We are old and new
We have been refined
We have held our tongues
For the longest time
We are caught, caught

So head home with everything that you have
Let 'em all go tumbling tumbling
Oh, I always knew that you were something else

So head home with everything that you have
Let 'em all go tumbling tumbling
Oh, I always knew that you were something else
And will you turn around?

So head home with everything that you have
Let 'em all go tumbling tumbling
Oh, I always knew that you were something else
And will you turn around?
The truth is that everybody (no, no, no)
May or may not be (happy to go)
I wouldn't waste my time in love with someone else
If you don't love yourself

I wouldn't waste my time in love with someone else
If you don't love yourself

2009-09-04T17:43:00.000-04:00

If you find yourself here on my side of town,
I pray that you'd come to my door
and talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about.
I don't remember anymore.
I just know that she warms my heart
and knows what all of my imperfections are.
She says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar

come on, come on

2009-09-02T22:27:00.003-04:00

It's a hard feeling to conquer, the one where you know it's all false. It keeps you strained and inevitably intent on how your hearts pulls, thumps and quietly pushes toward want.

Lonely seems to follow no matter the place, you can't outrun or hide, skip town or get-away.

It's times like these that you capture the feeling, emotion, thoughts. It's nights like these that you don't understand, but soon enough you will.

If you lift your eyes, if you lift your eyes.

do you want to be broken

2009-08-22T23:38:00.003-04:00

one's asleep, one's away

i am a wooden man

clay heart stone framed

would you ever understand?

i keep quiet

and i'll try, i'll try

to stick it out

break, something is what everyone wants

i swear the tides closing in

and we sang, and screamed

the suns setting and the moons closing

we sang, and screamed

do you want to be broken

i keep quiet

and i'll try, i'll try

... and we'll sing

amor vincit omnia

2009-08-09T10:02:00.002-04:00

I caught the words from across the room

when you said you felt alone

Oh what I would give to tell you otherwise.

2009-07-15T10:43:00.001-04:00

We bear your name,
and you let us say
you are something that you're not.
As if you were made after we saw our own faces,
and knew we were gods enough.

I think we were made too pretty.
We're caught up in a stare we cannot break.
We know nothing changes too slowly.
Someday we might come down,
but who's to really say?

And if we are the body,
how'd the pretty men get so ugly?
How'd he get all these spaces between each limb?
And if there is one thing bigger than my head,
that's the distance I've been mislead.

'Cause I think we were made too pretty.
We're caught up in a stare and we can't break.
We know nothing changes too slowly.
And someday I might come down,
oh, I don't wanna come down.
I think we became too pretty.

We don't want a God we don't see in ourselves don't see we're in need.
We don't want a God we don't see in ourselves don't see we're in need.

I think we were made too pretty.
We're caught up in a stare and we can't break.
I think we were made too pretty.
Yeah, so much we don't see it yet.
We don't see it.

6:03am

2009-05-06T05:20:00.003-04:00

I realized something about myself tonight, a quaint discomfort I haven't seemed fit with for a while. It didn't come in a form of a word or talk, but in actions. I'm not that hideous creature I once saw staring back at me in the mirror, I've been stuck in this room reasoning as a recluse so I forgot who I was. I desperately wanted to feel like I was worth something, anything and tonight I found that out. It was an easy understanding, actually one I wish I could have but it is not mine.

So I coped with the suggestions and listened to my heart for once... it wants to be open again. It wants to be that adventurous and daring, it wants to love again. So now I wait, but I don't wait in shelter. I search with who I am and pray that God sends that one person my way.

2009-05-04T07:26:00.003-04:00

I'm content, happy and scared. I've never been happier with where I am and what I have done, that doesn't mean I don't have regrets.

Simplicity comes in many forms, yet I think I have found something worth running towards and smile at. Summer is going to start in a tough place, but once I get going I am going to love it.

Ice cold mountain has been amazing... so good.

It's really early which means I haven't slept... waiting for this stupid download to finish. It takes 7gb, 5 and 1/2 days to download... my God what the heck is wrong with my macbook.

My new camcorder is supposed to ship today, kinda can't wait to get it!

I need sleep, but I want pancakes. Yeah!

5:03 am

2009-05-02T06:21:00.001-04:00

I found a new desire, but I can't say that I deserve it. Creativity persists in the mind of alone and delves into periodic shelves of processing... yet we still search for meaning? I consider myself blessed, at least enough to live. I painted walls dark blue and splotted wine red trickles to coat blood, shimmering and shaking down the well grooved walls. Here comes 5:03 am, just in time for the sun to dry it all in place. Tell me your not alone, tell you we're not through. I think it's coming time, I believe in more than just myself.

the good and the bad

2009-04-21T15:19:00.002-04:00

I'm no longer alive in the sense of being able to talk to someone fully about my life. I lost trust in everyone and I find myself whispering to God before I sleep and audibly crying to Him when I drive in the car.

I have so far conquered one desire, to be back at Houghton. It seems that in one week I will pack my car up and be done with Rochester. I need to find work in or around Houghton so I don't go insane, but it will be nice to be back "home" if I could really call it that.

Next semester I will be a Houghton College student who strives to conquer a BA. However turning in me is a clock and I do not know what it is set for.

My best friend Jeremy put in a good word for me at a place I applied to work in Dallas. If all goes well, I actually might end up in Dallas in the next few months. Scary thought, but one I've kept on the burner for a while now.

I'm anxious, hurt, inspired and really confident in what I want.

I took a stab at love and gave one last cry, but I guess you can't win it all.

I lost a band that never knew what was coming... I thought about writing an email to the dis-banded members telling them what I had been doing, but didn't say anything because I didn't want it to fall through and then nothing. Thank God studios refund money engineers understand how bands can just "pooooof" disappear.

One of my good friends just left. It seems that he forgot who I was, my laugh, maybe in all honesty he never really cared. Everyone has a motive, something they want... right?

I went to go see Ace play at SUNY Geneseo with The All-American Rejects. It was a great action packed show. I asked Ace to bring me my original acoustic guitar, a guitar I swore I never wanted to see again so I could take it off his hands. It was so nice to touch it and feel the age of worn memories. I cried when I read the inside where I scratched the one night I have framed in still motion sensitive slides. I think what made me laugh the most was the case that I thought was the "coolest case EVER."

I haven't shaved in a while... but for some reason God didn't want hair on me. This basically means my attempt turned into a failed beard.

Ok, well this was all to just get everything out. I am now going to watch a movie, possibly get some lunch and hope my Dad calls confirming some things.

Someone told me that the best way to defeat disappointment is to severely lower your standards... but in my case isn't the point to strive for what's better than normal?

black tables

2009-04-20T23:54:00.001-04:00

When the whites of your eyes come through
You'll see something new
With your body and mine raised up
It's good to see you back home

When the life in your eyes wants black
Things return
You've come back
With your body and mine raised up
It's good to see you once more

Turn black tables
And your turning black tables
And your making your head blur
Making your head blur
And your turning black tables
And your turning black tables
And your making your head blur
Making your head blur

Aprils update

2009-04-16T15:19:00.005-04:00

Here is some creativeness from Matt.

"If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees."

I've slacked on updates, but do have some really good excuses!

Life's good. I could think of many things to rant on that bother me, but I am really enjoying where I am right now. No it's not as fulfilling as I was hoping, but it's a time for me to create, relax and not be so stressed.

By tomorrow I should have 2 of 4 questions answered, which will determine my next move in life.

Beyond that I've been working on my first documentary. It's a sad one, but a real one. It actually is fully real, but the subject is hard to do. It hurts in many ways, but I needed to write, find, shoot, film it so I could understand some of the things I never did.

I am really excited about a ton of concerts coming up. I will be seeing Ace and the all american rejects, copeland and this providence, manchester orchestra, and then road trip to Philly with a bunch of amazing people! It's a busy month for shows.

Beyond that Will and I started to write again. Since PR disbanded, I have remembered how I love to create with the acoustic guitar. No, I am not anything amazing, but I right from experience, concept and the heart. Will and I have some plans for recording later in the summer and then doing some college shows. I'm glad he picked up the acoustic so we can play together. As much as I am going to miss PR, I was reminded of a talk I had with Ace on commitment and he was right, in so many ways that it was my downfall. Funniest thing I remember from the conversation is - "Matt, if you cannot happily claim you live out of a van for the love of music then you will fail. Not only is a full commitment key, but you have to change lifestyles to survive the challenges." Something our band was not ready for.

Beyond the strive of life, Jeremy and I have really been having a blast. I badly want to move back to Dallas so we can pick up the friendship we missed out on since I moved to NY. You know, we were best friends since kindergarden up until I left. We have been through everything together. Everything. And I want to be able to have fun before life gets too serious... because that is coming soon.

I am getting old. Good God.

2009-04-09T00:06:00.002-04:00

today was a surprise.

who doesn't like surprises? I never really did

maybe because all I have learned in life is people and friends just let you down

not in the sense of failure, ok maybe that sense

but in looking out for more than yourself

I have my faults, but I can only list a few people that would give anything

for anyone, to anyone and give all they have to help

not even a handful... but I gave all I had and that's that

I'm starting over, the simplicities of life

everyone wants love, I lost mine

or at least don't have it anymore

i wish i still had a place to call home

everyone has a mom begging them to come home

i don't think they can even possibly understand

but i'll let it be

once i sell the last piece, it's done.

over and moving on.

you scream and purge

2009-04-02T21:55:00.002-04:00

so the lines are daintily painted across your face

but you won't let me in

you said one chance is all you got

there's nothing left to talk about

and the lines you rehearse, you don't even say

you let everything out

you let it right on out

and you scream and purge

you cramp and feel brail

silent and burgess

the city lights calm down

you're not coming back

little toy trucks and a heart of gold

2009-02-12T16:41:00.004-05:00

Today was a blur, almost an empty feeling. Alone never felt so strong - and the rain can only bring so much fun.

You know I hate to say it, but I miss you. Like when you'd tell me I would get sick from playing in the rain for so long and my little toy cars wouldn't last the hard pouring rain.

She would stitch together rain coats for me, such eloquent hands to work.

And the heart of a true Saint, she still touches mine. Three years seem too long, three years now burn so hard.

Her smile brightened the cloudy sky, made the sun come up and play before dinner time.

It's funny what I'd give to talk to her on the phone, or even the chance to hug her one last time.

It's starting to eat away at me inside.

Everyone seems to know hard times, but somehow people miss how much easier it is with a Mom.

5 brothers.

2009-02-09T17:10:00.002-05:00

I found my eyes glazed upon the sunset, an emotion even God knew I felt. Peace swept through the cool winter air causing tree's to fall, the branches curled up into warm holes.

I just want to sit and run this electric bill up, screaming into the microphone and strumming the guitar. Can I match the human heart, can I open up my soul.

I found myself stiff and quiet, knees to the floor, head to the boards. It's the perfect cry for a building to fall down. But it stands and it sways, but it will not fall.

Hard times is what makes us sing loud, sing strong with hope. Best friends keep us in warmth, but in beds we bow our heads and pray, pray because we know.

The lights flicker around every corner, dark and light face demon's trials to stop. We will not stop, We will not stop.

No, this is right because even in the biggest sin, biggest letdown we find a new way. God leads the way, it's time to be used.

One light goes out, but we shine. Five brothers formed to love everything in this life.

such a small house with such a big heart.

2009-02-07T15:10:00.003-05:00

She jumped too soon, slowly bashing the rocks against each other. Such a perfect hold, but such a wandering mind. She dreams at night when she should be asleep, but the monotone leap of mis-communicated comfort keeps the warmth of her bed in tact.

Sometimes all you have are best friends and hard times... this is what I am learning.

I wish I wasn't, but I am.

Never new homeless could be peacefully scary, but then again when you are begging God for adventure, what more can you expect?

"For I know the plan that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

- Jeremiah 29:11

A night I never imagined

2009-01-31T04:07:00.002-05:00

Yes, it is 4:13am and I work at 6am. I have found that responsibility is good yet a very annoying thing.

Life hit me tonight... everything i've been working toward, dreaming about, pre-pairing for, writing about, learning, seeing, visioning is now beginning to unveil. A new chapter where I give all I have and conquer my fears, my dreams... things I never saw.

Life seemed confusing over the last couple months... I stopped asking questions but living with your own answers isn't as cracked up as most think. I lacked the strive in faith, hope and love. I worried about doing something wrong rather than living fearfully for God. I am not perfect, merely human doing my best to follow God's plan for my life.

As I sat in the passenger seat on my way home tonight, Jeff turned to me and said he was impressed with my playing. To be honest, I haven't heard that in a while. (Jeff if your reading this, please know that what you said there boosted me to want to know more, create more, work harder and rock that guitar for God). Mike has become one of my closest and dearest friends... sorry to say this but I would almost bank that Mike knows me better than anyone else. I don't have to hide my life, he knows my mistakes and who I can be in Christ. But over the last 3 months I've lacked in confidence in whether or not I could step up into this role that was created. I have doubted myself, feared the first day of practice, feared what I would do if I was cutting it. But I realized it isn't in how good I am, it's in how much my heart wants to give to it. I learned the chords, I made my fingers move faster and faster... I played with a bloody finger from strumming so fast and hard because thats what my heart was telling me. Then it hit, this is what we are looking for.

The night ended in 5 brothers playing Super Smash Brothers and laughing endlessly. A picture in my head I will never forget, a longing that I have been missing since two summers ago.

Jeff's finally in Rochester and everyone's ready to embark on this amazing adventure.

Besides that... Life is incredible. I have a falling in forgetting God when things get good, but now's the time I need to thank Him for everything and seek Him in everything.

Financially I am on top of almost everything... the first time in my life where I am not worrying about money. I got a new car... well new to me. It's fully paid off (thanks to the help of my Dad). I have all the gear I needed and I am starting to save. The only complaint I have is working at 6AM at mobile on Saturday and Sunday... it's killing me.

I am currently working on that... so yeah.

So here's to seeking God and trusting in Him through everything.

May God bless you and keep you.

matched peace and plastered hearts

2009-01-26T15:33:00.002-05:00

you are sitting in front of me

body language flaunting and all, acting like you don't notice me watching

is this what happens when you leave without any answers?

you know you lost the best thing you had

no you won't come back, you won't be the same to me

is this out of line, some would say it's complete

and titled in the smallest captions

black and white lined simplicity

you spell the colored words of crayons

yes, you draw and masquerade love

we all know what it means to die

we all know what it means to lie